Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
