Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
