sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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