don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
