where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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