I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
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Swine flu is the new snow day.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
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She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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