i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
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you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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