I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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