Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
