She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
