Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
