I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
