I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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