i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
