but the lizard people decide everything anyway
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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