Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
