yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
