I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
