I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
