I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just threw up on my dentist
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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