The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
