when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
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sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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