Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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