I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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