I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
you're hired as official boob wrangler
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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