Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
