I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
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