I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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