I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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