Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
