Your face is a jimmy john
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
