you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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