Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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