jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
