you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.