my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked