Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Buhtt sex?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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