Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
