Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
