My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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