i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
accomplished twins. life is a go
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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