im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
