i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
