Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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