he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
