He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm way too hungover for life right now
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
