A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
im six kinds of drunk right now
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
