I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
