Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
