can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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