fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
