Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
