Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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