I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Randomize
