if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Your face is a jimmy john
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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