I feel great
I just peed on a car
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
What a dumb baby whore.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
